Every Age, Every Culture

“Every age, every culture, every custom and tradition has its own character, its own weakness and its own strength, its beauties and ugliness; accepts certain sufferings as matters of course, puts up patiently with certain evils. Human life is reduced to real suffering, real hell, only when two ages, two cultures and religions overlap. A man of the Classical Age who had to live in medieval times would suffocate miserably just as a savage does in the midst of our civilization. Now there are times when a whole generation is caught in this way between two ages, two modes of life, with the consequence that it loses all power to understand itself and has no standard, no security, no simple acquiescence. Naturally, everyone does not feel this equally strongly. A nature such as Nietzsche’s had to suffer our present ills more than a generation in advance. What he had to go through alone and misunderstood, thousands suffer today.” ―Hermann Hesse

*Might have shared this quote before, but I’m honestly not sure. Regardless, it felt appropriate today.*

Too Many Thoughts That I Can’t Process

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Today is one of those days where I just can’t seem to break myself out of how bad I feel. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. I caught myself last night, while making dinner, realizing just how done I am. It wasn’t a temporary feeling. It was a “What’s the point in this life?” feeling.

I’m still experiencing the same migraine I’ve had since the 18th (I might be off on the dates by a day or so. I can’t check at the moment because my new cell phone battery is walking on tiny feet all the way from California. The info for my migraines is calculated by an app on my phone.). It got so bad Monday, I called my doctor’s office. There is nothing helpful about a doctor telling you to go to the emergency room, Urgent Care, or to “come in” when you’re barely able to get out of bed. Technically I was out of bed, I just wasn’t dragging myself anywhere because I couldn’t. When her office asked me if they should call an ambulance or if I had someone to call to help me, I was so upset, I nearly threw the phone out the fucking window. After that, I did NOT want to speak to a soul for the remainder of the day. The realization of how alone you are is not something you need to be drilled into you day after day.

Yesterday was a blend of so-so and really bad. I was up until nearly 3:00 this morning dealing with the nausea, and the aftermath. I got less than four hours of sleep in total, and I hurt from my head into my toes. It’s a beautiful day, the temperature is perfect, the sky is that perfect shade of blue, and I’m trapped indoors, hiding from the sun, the sound of lawnmowers, and birds chirping, all because my doctor couldn’t call in an anti-nausea medication when I explained how bad this aspect of my migraines is currently affecting me. Where the hell is good old-fashioned Coca-Cola syrup when you need it?! I’d murder someone right now for the biggest Coke from McDonald’s. That’s sad considering I don’t drink soda, but it tells you how awful I feel. Nothing is helping.

Today, after taking an important phone call I need to take in about an hour or so, I might unplug my phone entirely. I’m genuinely sick of people. I’m sick of being sick, and I’m sicker of being minimized when I talk about how I feel.

Sadly, a migraine is NOT an emergency. It’s not life or death, and I’m not having a seizure or a stroke. Unless it is the worst headache I’ve ever experienced, (I told my doctor’s office “It’s up there.” I cannot answer that question. Obviously, if it were a mild migraine, I wouldn’t be calling, but to be asked, “Is this the worst headache you’ve ever had?” Um, I’m a MIGRAINE PATIENT. NONE OF THEM ARE FUN EXPERIENCES!) I don’t want, or need, to be in a noisy emergency room where, without a written migraine protocol from a neurologist, whoever is on call can choose how I am treated, and they can blow me off.

The last time I went, the ER broke my migraine protocol and refused to give me a shot of Demerol. My doctor was furious, and it was enough to keep me away from the ER regarding my migraines ever since. You do NOT need a single medical professional questioning your doctor’s protocol for you, or standing in a group with a bunch of other “medical professionals” whispering about how you “might be drug-seeking”. For the record, I’ve never had a shot of Demerol in my entire life, so for anyone to use my name and drug-seeker in the same sentence just plain pisses me off.

Yes, I have received pretty good care here, but I don’t want to push my luck, either. If the migraine and nausea get any worse, I will have no choice. I’ve already contacted Urgent Care and they said they do handle migraines. It’s a much quieter environment, more contained, and I could go Friday afternoon or early evening. In all likelihood, they will run an MRI and possibly take some x-rays of my neck and spine before they given me any medication. That’s standard operating procedure since they don’t have my records. But today? I can barely handle what little I do have on my plate because if I add anything more to it, I can’t deal. And the truth is; I can’t deal. I can do mindless tasks, like folding laundry, but I can’t think straight. I catch myself blinking too much and unable to fully process what people are saying to me. That’s never a good sign.

HATE being sick. I hate being so depressed and stressed that I can’t handle a phone call, or a cup of tea. I hate not being able to concentrate. This is NOT a life. It’s too much pain for any one person to have to endure.

I pray that I survive these next few days. I’m definitely going to get this migraine handled. By Friday, it will be nearly three weeks of incessant pain and increased nausea. My neurology appointment isn’t until June, and I cannot wait that long to be treated. If they do blood work, they will find that all is not right in the land of Lisa.

What else is new? 😦

copyright © 2017 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Do Not Confuse…

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I think it’s really important to listen to others and hear them, even if the subject matter makes you uncomfortable. I don’t like to denounce someone’s feelings, even if I disagree with their perspective. People say that words aren’t harmful, but they can be and it’s important to acknowledge that even the simplest way of saying things, at times, can make a person question who they are, or that it can do severe damage.

Sometimes, I think people say things to challenge me. It’s truly not meant to be harmful, but if I’m already bleeding on the ground, I probably don’t need another kick.

I’m so far from perfect, it’s not even funny, but I will be apologizing to a few people this week to be certain that they grasp the true meaning and don’t take simplicity the wrong way.

Above all, always be yourself.

Okay, Here’s The Deal…

Fall is still in “full bloom”. The trees are lush with color, but there aren’t a lot of completely leaf free trees, mine included. Naturally, this is right about the time when I might get sick.

It’s slowly been affecting me for about a week now, but I kept saying “Oh, the time is about to change, I just need more rest.” Turns out, I am SICK. I would betray you right now for a constant influx of hot tea, soup, mashed potatoes, and a few other choice comfort foods.

It’s hard to tell if you’re actually sick when you have Fibromyalgia. I take all the necessary precautions. Vitamins, balanced diet, as much exercise as I can do without ending up in a body cast, and I wipe down everything with Lysol at home, and antibacterial wipes in public. It might seem a little OCD, and it is, but I’d rather be safe than sorry. I keep a bottle of hand sanitizer in my purse. Bath & Body Works has the best purse size versions and they smell awesome. You can get them in store, or buy a few on clearance on eBay. I usually buy 4-5 at a time and keep them in different spots. They’re lifesavers.

I know I am sick because I have swollen glands. That doesn’t happen for me with Fibro. I don’t have a fever, but I feel frozen down to my bones, and this is with the heat on. I finally bit the bullet and took a multi-symptom tablet with all the things I think it should have because whatever I have, it’s all from the neck up, save the physical aches and pains, and the weakness and exhaustion.

If you know me, you know I HATE being sick. I’ve had illnesses that have left me in bed for weeks wanting my mother (who is sadly, no longer there to call upon.), and other times, I bear it through weeks of soup, tea, ginger ale (for some reason, diet root beer is immensely helpful when I’m sick. I discovered this a few years ago and now I’m obsessed with it.), and toast because the thought of anything else being in my stomach just isn’t going to happen.

I definitely don’t have the flu. A close friend thinks I’m having sympathy pains, which is not unheard of. In fact, it’s entirely possible.

So, if you see a woman running around the Northeast with a purse size bottle of Lysol and hand sanitizer, stop and say hello, but make sure she’s a short brunette, or you might end up looking like an idiot. LOL. (My friend is writing me a letter of permission to carry said objects with me, lest I be arrested for trying to disinfect every store I go to.) 

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copyright © 2014 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED