“Every human being on this earth knows that life is not without pain. For most of us, it’s an inconvenience, a trail to be endured or avoided. But there are a select few who seek it out. Who use it as a tool to create something so beautiful, that it transcends this world… and makes them immortal.” –Unknown
Hi, everyone. I fulled intend to share more with you today, but I’ve been sick since yesterday (sick enough that I called my doctor!), and today I woke up with the migraine from hell. I’m doing my best just to get through this day and, hopefully, enjoy parts of my weekend. Of course, the entire neighborhood has decided to become louder than a marching band while I try to keep my head from exploding. Figures.
Wishing everyone a relaxing, restful, illness and pain-free day, and weekend ahead.
“Your life was a blessing, your memory a treasure. You are loved beyond words and missed beyond measure.” -Unknown
“When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure”.
You were everything to me for nearly eighteen years. My heart is heavy today, as I look up at the box containing your ashes, a decision I had to make that broke me. I promise to move them into something special as soon as possible, and I promise to find a locket to keep you with me, always.
Ya lyublyu tyebya fsyei dushoj. (I love you with all of my soul.)
Some people have been approaching me about this, with similar stories of their own. To say I am enraged would be a tame response because this makes my blood boil. And after what I experienced pain wise earlier this week, I can assure you I would have screamed the fucking building down. If I should require surgery, I feel bad for anyone who thinks I’m playing games with pain management. What they’re pulling in this country ought to be fucking illegal!
“Art doesn’t work without pain; art also exists for compensating pain.” ―Till Lindemann
“When a person screams in pain, the actual pain is only half the noise they make. The other half is the terror at being forced to accept that they exist.” ―Noah Cicero
For the better part of this year, this is precisely how I have felt. My pain is getting worse (it is damn near uncontrollable) and I’ve been met with nothing but useless doctors who truly do not deserve their titles. Next month I see a new doctor, and I hope and pray that someone will lead me to the root cause and will start treating me like a human-being who is suffering greatly, and losing an enormous chunk of her life in the process. All I want is someone to treat me properly, instead of giving me the runaround.
If you follow me on social media, my life might seem “normal”. It isn’t. I might have that one day where I was able to walk four miles, and then pay for it with a week or two in bed, with nothing but Cat and Kitten to keep me company, as I desperately try to get the heating pad to be my friend and help ease some of the pain, and it will help temporarily until I pass out from sheer exhaustion. More nights than I care to count, I cannot get comfortable or sleep, because my mind is so overactive, it’s painful. I’ve noticed of late that my mind races when I AM asleep, and the pain leaves me unable to move, speak, or silence my brain. Apparently, my brain is running marathons. 😦 There are days I am crawling because of the pain, and then there’s that one good day, or a good chunk of hours, but it usually results in an insanely early bed-time, which results in my waking up in the early morning hours, in tears from how much pain I am in.
I cry a lot lately. The things so many people take for granted, like restful sleep or a ten minute shower, are things I can’t do. I can sleep if I take the PTSD medication and go to bed within an hour or so, because it drops my blood pressure, but the medication will often wear off in the middle of the night. It only has a two hour half-life within the body, so I’m still trying to hit the right dose. I’ve been able to knock my shower time down from an hour to under thirty minutes, and I turn the water off in between each physical task, but it is often exhausting and draining. Instead of taking four or five hours to get ready, I can now be ready in about two hours, but still, I pay for it the following day. I hurt SO bad, that there are days I just can’t do what I need to, and that destroys me.
So much bothers me, and I’m keeping it all inside. When the heart and soul can’t speak, that’s a whole new level of pain one should never know.