You Never Plan For This

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There’s nothing more unpretty than me when I’m sick. I don’t just mean looks-wise, I mean in the miserable troll sense. I’m a terrifying, sleeping dragon on a good day, but when I’m sick I’m the three-headed dog from Harry Potter & The Sorcerer’s Stone.

I take a lot of precautions to avoid getting sick. I figure suffering from Fibromyalgia and Migraines is more than enough for one person, and being sick on top of one, or both, is highly unnecessary. And guess what? I’m RIGHT.

I am the person at every grocery store who wipes down the shopping cart thoroughly with a sanitizing wipe. I get the strangest looks from people every time I do it (especially in Walmart), but I don’t care. I don’t want other people’s germs. If you just put your child in that cart with no pants on (Really?! When did this become acceptable?!) and a diaper, you damn well KNOW I am not just going to put my hands on that cart. Dress your children and keep them in check. They’re germ-carriers, but as their parents, so are you.

If you work with the public and don’t use hand sanitizer throughout the day, you need to. Not because I’m OCD (I am, to some extent), but because of germs. I’ve NEVER been tested for influenza before, but I was assured that a very nasty strain is going around before my test was run. Good to know. Damn near every person before and after me was coming in with the exact same symptoms. I’m sure someone had a case of the flu in the twenty or so people that came through.

Yesterday was bad. I spent the entire day with my ears crackling and popping like a bowl of cereal. I did NOT want to hear noise, and I still don’t. It physically hurts my ears. I’d woken up in the middle of the night unable to sleep and after going back to bed, I was woken by a team of idiots outside my bedroom window repairing the next door neighbor’s garage door. Two hours of sleep ruined by music and people yelling at each other in Spanish. They were here for about two and a half hours. I wisely remained inside and did not attack anyone, even though I wanted to.

My temperature decided to do a 360 on me, too, last night. My body always tells me when it’s not okay, so I decided to check and the look on my face when I read the thermometer was NOT a happy one. I have taken four ibuprofen to lower this fever. I think it’s getting better, but I have no clue what today brings because I don’t plan for this shit to happen to me.

The #1 side effect of one of the medications (which actually works) is nose bleeds. The pharmacist spoke with me about it and said he didn’t think it would happen, but that it’s the most common side effect for this drug. Do not for a single second think I did not get a fun nose bleed this morning, because I did. I’d been using a different medication these past few weeks for the exact same thing and it NEVER caused a nose bleed, but this one? Of course! Welcome to my life.

All day yesterday I just wanted a nap. I didn’t get it. I went to bed a little before 8:30 and was wide awake at 11:00. I’ve been up ever since. These non-drowsy medications are wiring the crap out of me.

I am unpleasant, whiny, red-nosed, and red-faced. To add insult to injury, I got some very disturbing, upsetting news regarding my brother around 2:30 this morning. I can’t sit here and say it doesn’t effect me, because it does. I cannot pretend. I wish I could discuss how bad the situation is, but so as to avoid possibly breaking his trust in me, I will simply say I hope and pray some donations come through because things are BAD and I am afraid for him. On top of looking like death (he’s a shell of the person he once was), he was robbed AGAIN, which is the third time in less than a year, and will not be able to contact me until I’m able to replace his cell phone. I’m very worried, very freaked out, and VERY upset. I thought he was finally in a safe space and that I could catch my breath, but I come to find out he is not. I’m not a special snowflake, so why all of this horrible shit is happening to my brother is beyond me. Every single day, I am afraid the phone will ring and it will be a police officer asking me to come down to Pennsylvania and identify his body. If ever I receive a phone call like that, I know precisely where the blame rests. No matter how down on their luck a person is, turning your back on them is despicable. I don’t always agree with my brother, but I do whatever I can for him. I’m not perfect, but I make an effort. I have not spoken to him since January because his other cell phone was stolen. I literally cannot keep up with the insanity. This is someone I normally speak to every single day. Over three months is a LONG fucking time to not speak to him and I’ve not seen him since December of 2015. We’re very close, so this is disturbing to me on more levels than I care to count.

I wish I had better things to say today, but I don’t. All I have is the truth and the pain of that truth. Now, more than ever, I feel like the future is a little pointless. The things other people are worried about seem so childish and trivial to me in the grand scheme of things. I don’t think anyone realizes how privileged they are until their entire life is stripped away, leaving them with nothing.

I’m not the kind of woman that sits around and hopes. I pray, I despair, and I pray again. I do hope for the best, but since I continually see the worst in others, I am shocked when good people step up.

I pray for better days ahead. For my brother, and for humanity on a whole.

copyright © 2017 by Lisa Marino & Blackbird Serenity, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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