Memo From Lisa: This is for every stupid, ignorant person who looks at me and thinks I am perfectly healthy and can do the things they want me to do with ease. It angers the hell out of me that you cannot see what I contain on the inside; that you don’t even bother to ask.
I haven’t been able to shake this unbearable spine pain. It’s been so horrific this week that I’ve been completely unable to function, except for small moments stolen thanks to herbal muscle relaxers that help calm me down for about an hour at a time here and there. I’m not sleeping well, my stomach is constantly ill, my entire skull hurts so bad from constant migraines, and I wake up each morning feeling like I’ve lost a battle and need to go back to bed, for the exhaustion and weakness knock me on my ass.
I don’t trust anyone to discuss the pain with them on a deeper level. The only people who understand are those who also suffer to this extent; they’re the only people who will agree that this is barbaric torture and that the ignorance of others makes it worse.
I keep my mouth shut a lot these days, as I tackle spine pain and migraines on a constant loop. I pray for my death. I pray for the pain to stop. I pray to be hit by a fucking car when I walk outside, and it took about a week for me to be able to walk properly after my spine popped almost two weeks ago. But yesterday; I lost it. I’ve spent this entire week unable to do things I planned. The pain has been overwhelming. I’ve spent my days in agony, in tears, suffering. Alone. Not a single person has asked if I’m all right, or if I need anything. If someone offers to help me, their price is too high to accept the help. In my eyes, that’s not “help”. That’s not love or support. There are other words for it, but today, I cannot articulate much.
When I woke up this morning, I was met with something that left me feeling downright murderous. Once again; I am faced with arrogance and ignorance, and the knowledge that I have been lied to for the past six years. There’s a special place in hell for people who think I can stand on my feet for 8-10 hours each day, and believe that I wouldn’t kill to have my former life back. Instead of being compassionate, empathetic, and supportive, they are vicious, cruel, and selfish. My best interests aren’t being prioritized. Don’t pretend to love anyone when you don’t know the meaning of the word, and don’t EVER think that “tough love” will cure what I suffer from. This is not the flu or an insect bite. Live with my pain for a year and then tell me how healthy I am. You’re not strong enough to go through the pain I battle daily.
From here on out, I’m not going to hold back. I am going to let it be known precisely how much pain I am in. Instead of fighting the urge to scream every night, I am going to be loud enough to be heard two towns away. Today, I’m on the Chronic Pain scale that, personally, I feel requires hospitalization. I cannot sit, stand, lie in bed, or move around too much, which sucks because my body desperately needs rest and to be calm. I always hope that tomorrow will be a better day, but I am genuinely afraid that the progression of my pain has reached my physical max in terms of tolerance levels. I want OUT.
I applaud Morgan for writing about this and pray a cure and/or relief finds her soon.