I Didn’t Expect To Recover…

“I didn’t expect to recover from my second operation but since I did, I consider that I’m living on borrowed time. Every day that dawns is a gift to me and I take it in that way. I accept it gratefully without looking beyond it. I completely forget my physical suffering and all the unpleasantness of my present condition and I think only of the joy of seeing the sun rise once more and of being able to work a little bit, even under difficult conditions.” ―Henri Matisse

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Pumpkin Spice and Everything Halloweenish

There was lots to see as people prepare for Halloween and Thanksgiving (I can’t believe I just typed that! Where has the year gone?!). It was extremely busy. There was a Hay Maze, fresh Apple Cider Donuts (Second year in a row I didn’t cave and buy one, or six. I feel slightly proud of this.), and a lot of other food-related things going on, so on occasion, my finger was somehow in the way on certain shots. I apologize, but thought I’d share all the uniqueness of the day. Sundays at the farm aren’t usually this colorful.

My Silences Had Not Protected Me

“My silences had not protected me. Your silence will not protect you. But for every real word spoken, for every attempt I had ever made to speak those truths for which I am still seeking, I had made contact with other women while we examined the words to fit a world in which we all believed, bridging our differences.” ―Audre Lorde

World Mental Health Day 2018

I haven’t mentioned it, that I’m aware of, but these past few months I have prioritized my mental health above nearly everything else. I saw all the potential warning signs, and have not missed a single appointment, except the one my doctor had to cancel when he looked at his schedule and found out he’d been booked solid for a week he was not supposed to be in the office. He even apologized for it because it meant I’d be going almost a month without seeing him. When I first got back in with him as my treating physician, he told me how often I come in, and for how long, is 100% up to me. I choose twice a month, which totals out to nearly two hours. My therapist, who I met because of my doctor, is good. I’ve only seen her a few times since she started working there, but again, I have not missed a single session, and we’re still getting to know one another. They have both encouraged me to call them immediately and reach out if I need help. Believe it or not, I would prefer to rely on the people who spend the most time with me, and my doctor, unfortunately, is probably the person who knows me best from a medical perspective. Yes, he gets paid to get an “insider’s perspective”, but do I trust people with every thought I have? No. However, it feels good to have a doctor who knows I’d lose it on him if he ever stabbed me in the back.

Do what’s best for you. Mental Health MATTERS.

I know, realistically speaking, I might lose my battle one day. I’m more aware of it than I might ever admit. However, on occasion now, I have slightly more hope than usual.